The Tortas Chamber

My friend Alex Gilvarry (a painfully funny writer) has a terrific new lit mag called Tottenville Review. They're all about reviewing underexposed books and conducting interviews with emerging writers. Already they've done amazing Q&As with Rivka Galchen, Saïd Sayrafiezadeh, and Porochista Khakpour. So why they wanted to interview me is anybody's guess. My pal Jason Porter (another painfully funny writer) and I ended up talking mostly about sandwiches and Martin Amis's underpants. Then we ate sandwiches, but not underpants. Check out the results. And subscribe to Tottenville.

I Scrapbook and I Vote, vol. 1

The Unknown Knowns spawned a bunch of ancillary projects including a mini-comic, dioramas, a song, two cocktails, a pair of videos, a website, and even a t-shirt (available for barter or purchase). Lately I’ve had reason to dig through all the old computer files those projects generated. Sketches, photos, audio files, recipes, etc. I’m hoping—on a semiregular basis—to post some of these rags and bones here on the blog. Because if I don’t, well, who will?

First, there’s this rough sketch of a Nautikon skull that my wife, Margaret McCartney, made in preparation for the comic, which she also illustrated. The Nautikons were a race of aquatic humanoids who occupied the floors of the Mediterranean and Black Seas. (Duh!) Note the wide-set eyes and the sloping forehead. The ruffle on top is the sagittal crest. Like a bone mohawk, or “bohawk.” I think it has a Dürer-like, memento mori, aspect to it. (And a whole lotta Jack Kirby, too.) I love this Dürer engraving of St. Jerome in His Study.

Jerome featured prominently in my research. I fixed many of the dates in the Nautikon mythology using his Chronicon. It’s a fascinating document. Like Herodotus, Jerome freely mixed folklore with history in ways that now seem hilarious.

Check out this very reasonable note on the 17^th century BC: “According the opinion of some, Prometheus lived in this time, by whom men recall that they were created. But the truth of the matter: because he was a wise man, he transformed their savagery and excessive ignorance into refinement and knowledge.”

Because, come on, Prometheus didn’t fashion humans out of clay and steal fire from the gods in a fennel stalk! That would be ridiculous!

Elsewhere, Jerome provides both the name of the man who invented the four-horse chariot and the date when Hercules took down Cerberus. In his sober-minded presentation of crazy horseshit, he’s like the Wikipedia of Constantinople.

It’s this casual blend of the real and the fantastic, the anatomical and the bohawk, that I admire in Margaret’s Nautikon skull. The sketch eventually found finished form in the title page of her beautiful comic, which can be found at the rear end of the paperback edition.

whirled books

I wrote a little thing about the great big World Book Encyclopedia:

"When I was just beginning to read, pre-search engines, the most fertile source of truth in our house was The World Book Encyclopedia. We owned a late-seventies edition. It was so huge the set occupied its own shelf beneath my parents’ child psychology texts, The Whole Earth Catalog, and Erica Jong. The curdled, almost stony texture of the covers, the embossing, and the copious gold leaf lent the set an almost biblical authority. Actually, in my lapsed-Catholic, professorial household, it seemed more reliable than the Pentateuch. Truth was a scrimmage between Catholic school and In Search of (two fantastic sources), and World Book was the ref." [read it all here.]

Heat Rises

Just moving this up top again.

Right...the winners

Did I say I'd announce these at 6 p.m. Eastern time? Yes, I did. Well, I got pizza instead.

The winners of my Ask the Volcano Men paperback sweepstakes giveaway are ...

Graham Bailey!

and

Ben Knight!

(um, send me your addresses, please.)

Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful questions!

The Volcano Man Answers!

Our weeklong “Ask the Volcano Men” book giveaway has reached its explosive climax. And guess what? You're all winners. Except, of course, those of you who failed to succeed. Return to this url at 6 p.m. Eastern when I reveal the names of those lucky and inquisitive mortals who have won paperback copies of The Unknown Knowns.

But first, let’s review the kataklysmic Q&A.

***

How many cups of coffee* a day is too much?









(* with Goldschlager)
John


Dear Goldfrappe, 

Ask me again -- after you've spiked your Nescafe with molten gold -- and steamed your frothy Lamia milk over the fuming vents of Vesuvius! But seriously, have you tried switching to Mercuryschlager?

VM

***

Who do i have to blow to get a cup of coffee around here?
Harris


Dear Harris,

Your answer lies in the hollows of Mount Aetna herself. When the giant Enceladus was entombed within her craggy bowels, he petitioned the gods in a very similar manner: "Who does Enceladus need to blow to get out of this place?" he begged. Unfortunately, the answer was Vulcan, blacksmith to Zeus, who was always really sweaty and kind of gross. 

VM

***

Dear Volcano Man, I'm thinking about working for the Man, doing the U.S. Census thing. I guess it's important. And it would be cool because I could tell my parents I work for "the government," but otherwise I think it sucks. 

What would Volcano Man do? (WWVMD?)

And how hot is molten lava, really? It looks so inviting. Just wondering.
Tottenville

Dear Tottenville,
The US Census is admirable work. Your parents will be duly proud of their son. And trust me, they've been having their doubts, especially after that MFA thing. (What was that about?!) I'm speaking as a friend here—but when I put on my "Annihilator of Civilizations" hat, I have to say the census is a very valuable tool. How can you truly lay waste to a society if you don't know the mean travel time to work of employees aged 16 and over?

Oh, and as they say about molten lava, it isn't the heat, it's the utter humiliation of mankind in a fiery cauldron of anarchic geologic forces!

Thanks for your questions.
VM

***

Dear Volcano Man,
I am a 7 year old boy named Graham Bailey. Why do people like to make other people sad and angry? My friend Dexter bosses me around and tricks me when we trade, so I do not have much when I leave.
Graham

Dear Graham,
This question has long vexed Volcano Man. Mere mortals—and I'm talking to you, young Dexter—should leave the "bossing" and "tricking" to the professionals. When this Volcano Man was but a Volcano Lad, a so-called "friend" hit him with—I won't say what...okay, it was a tectonic plate. The culprit was a small landmass named Gene. I did not retaliate immediately, but several eons later, toward the end of the Late Cretaceous period, I laid waste to Gene, sinking him irretrievably beneath the murky waters of great inland sea called Aeknor in a fiery upwelling of magma.

Beware, Dexter—beware the mighty power of the one they call Graham!
VM

***

How do you survive the extreme heat of your lair? And, more importantly, how do i get access to the costume?
dbiello

Dear dbiello,
Dare ye ask two questions? You will pay the ultimate price for your insolence, science scribe! But sure, easy: 1) cooling gel inserts hewn from the manifold soul of the Ice Worm. And 2) if you'd agreed to feed Volcano Man's cat, you'd have keys to my lair. The costume is next to Volcano Toddler's MacLaren.
VM

***

Oh great Volcano Man what is the best way to prepare yourself for the 2012 apocalypse?
knightb

Dear knightb,
Prepare? Prepare? Cower behind the frail bulwark of your conscience, humanist dogs! Scant protection will it give! For the angel of the apocalypse comes swiftly on free-market wings! All shall tremble when the Milton Friedman Choir sings the mighty name of Ronicus Paullus! For he shall be our leader! Wait, you mean the presidential election? Or that Mayan thing?
VM

Ask a Volcano Man!

Because I'm finished with the video and I have this big foam-rubber volcano costume stashed under my steps, I'm introducing a new featurette. It's called "Volcano Men Answer Your Questions about Love, Careers, and the Annihilation of Humankind in the Subterranean Cauldron of Fate." So...you know...ask away! Volcano Men do not judge. The three juiciest questions will win a paperback copy of The Unknown Knowns. Wait, make that two...I have only two copies. But remember: if you have won anything from a Volcano Man in the past 60 days, you are not eligible for this contest.